It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
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