wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
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