Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
