even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
im walking the streets of bville with a bag of cat food..looking for my car. i dont ever want to turn 21 again.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Randomize
