i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.