allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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