A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
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