nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
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