Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
The struggles of a small town man whore
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Randomize
