The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
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He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
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I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church