it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
Is This New Dating App Elitist…Or Genius?
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
Stay Away From These 29 Online Dating Red Flags
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.