I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.