I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
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