How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Randomize
