Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
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