walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Randomize
