I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
Drunk walkin through police station. America
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
