he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
I want to be your penis for a week.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
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