gavin joseph was born around 1 oclock 9lbs 12oz... over 21 inches long
Thats what she said
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
Let's get the cat blown out
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
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