i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Woke up backwards on a recliner
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
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