god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize
