Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
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