my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
Randomize
