She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
Randomize
