I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Randomize
