My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
