he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Randomize
