ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
Randomize
