Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
