I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
I wish there were birth control emojis
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
I did not marry a roomba.
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