I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
I need to sanitize my soul.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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