mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize
