you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
i love accidental penises.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
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