I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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