chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Randomize
