wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Randomize
