i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
