my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
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