I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
Tornado booty call.. dedication
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
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