He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
Randomize
