I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Text me some of your sweat
Randomize
