Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Randomize
