new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
Randomize
