So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Randomize
