i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
