It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
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