At a sweet 16. cant remember what shirt im wearing byt dnt worry im not sleeping w/ the guy who serves the chicken nuggets again
So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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