u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
Randomize
