My cat gives me a boner
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
