i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
You are a genius and a whore.
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