i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
Nope, Im Irish and pissed with some drunk mixed in...therefore punching things is the best solution to every problem.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
Randomize
