finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
How does it feel to date your dad?
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Randomize
