How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
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