I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Randomize
