In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
Randomize
