just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
