Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
