woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
i drank out of a bidet.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Randomize
