The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
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